Stepping Back Into My Light

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

- Marianne Williamson

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Have you ever lost your spark? Have you ever been the most confident person to only wake up one day and feel you have lost the confidence you once had? Have you ever doubted the gifts God gave you? Lord knows I have, but I feel blessed to say that I have taken myself back.

 The other night, I was laying in bed, flipping through channels on television and I came across 'Akeelah and the Bee'. Have you guys seen that movie? If not, you definitely should! It's pretty awesome and I believe it is how Keke Palmer got her start as an actress. Anyway, my husband had not seen the movie and I love it, so we watched it before bed. One of the most powerful parts of this movie, in my opinion, is when Akeelah's coach, Dr. Larabee (played by Laurence Fishburne), asked her to read the quotation that was on his wall aloud. The quotation she read was the above quotation by Marianne Williamson. Now, I have read it many times before, but for some reason, this time, it affected me differently. I thought about it all night long and I started to really understand what it was saying. I truly felt it was directed right at me, like God knew I needed to hear it. I'll tell you why.

When I first started 'Through Jam's Eyes', I was so excited to write about things that I was feeling and even share my sense of fashion with whomever wanted to read it or look at it. In the beginning, I told myself that it was strictly for ME, and if I just so happened to strike anyone's interest in it, then all the better, but that's not what it was about. This was strictly something I enjoyed doing for myself. Of course I had hopes of gaining a following and making an impact on someone else's life, but that wasn't the primary reason behind my blogging. I was just doing it because it was fun, like a hobby! Taking pictures is so much fun! :)

Well, somewhere along the way, I got lost. I didn't lose my passion for fashion or my love for writing, but I lost the understanding in myself of why I wanted to do this in the first place. I started comparing instead of studying, losing faith in the quality of my content because it wasn't like hers, I started doubting myself because I guess I expected more support from my friends, family, and peers than I actually received. I started asking myself, "why am I doing this? No one is reading my posts. No one finds this stuff useful, so why am I doing it?" This is why I have been absent for so long (I apologize to those who have actually been reading my posts, I appreciate you more than you know). I literally lost my edge. I wasn't inspired anymore and I felt nothing I did was good enough, so I stopped. I wasn't happy though. Happiness came when I was writing my blog posts and coming up with new ideas for a shoot. Happiness was connecting with my "blogger sisters" and learning new ways to produce content. Happiness was getting messages from people I didn't expect to read my posts letting me know how much they love 'Through Jam's Eyes'. Even though I KNEW what made me happy, I still couldn't bring myself to do it anymore because I was lacking the confidence in myself that I once had.

Then suddenly, Marianne Williamson reminded me that I AM enough. This isn't about anyone else but ME. Me losing myself in my blogging had nothing to do with anyone else but me. The truth is that I did lose faith in myself. Who am I to be writing about fashion? I'm no expert! Why should anyone read my posts? Self-doubt is a HORRIBLE place to be guys.
I'm so happy to say that I am back now, and I have been reminded of why I am doing this and why I enjoy it. It is such an amazing feeling to not feel the need of confirmation from anyone and it feels so good to have my confidence back. God has blessed me with a love for writing and expressing myself through fashion, and I am going to continue to do that.

 If you are reading this, I encourage you to never doubt yourself. It is truly our LIGHT and not our DARKNESS that frightens us the most. Being afraid to shine so that you won't step on anyone's toes or make your friends or family uncomfortable is ridiculous, but that's exactly how I had been feeling, so I took a step back from something I love and I shouldn't have. She's right, playing small does nothing for the world, and so from now on, I won't do it. I hope that if you're reading this, you feel inspired. If you have ever felt like I was feeling, please read the above quotation over and over until it sticks. Print it out, post it on the wall, memorize it! I hope that as I am becoming liberated from my own fear, I am helping to liberate someone else. Take the leap of faith in whatever it is you have been wanting to do. You don't need anyone's approval to so. Be your own cheerleader, and be prepared to see a lot more of me. No more hiding. :)

Thanks so much for reading! XOXO